Wack-Ass Dad

Wack ass dad, why are you mad?

Wack ass dad, why are you sad?

You’re not fooling anyone, only pretending to be glad.

Wack ass dad, who..hurt..you?

Because hurting everyone else isn’t really cool.

Have you always been this way?

Did it start at home or in school?

Wack ass dad, get out of the house

Wack ass dad, divorced again? From your spouse?

Always repeating the same routines. 

Stuck in your ways...

don’t know what it’s like not to be mean. 

I guess you never really had a shoulder to lean on 

Abusive dad and angry, battered mom

Traum, traum, traum goes the trauma 

Constantly creating never-ending drama

Generational curses 

always writing their verses

Wack ass dad, will you ever change?

Probably not, seems like there’s just too much pain

Everyone becomes estranged, estranged

because no one wants to deal with your unhealthy energy exchange.

Wack ass dad at it again?

Broken record playing, the cycle never ends

Amends to make

What will it take?

To finally own up

To all of your mistakes.

Being wack is never fun

When is it time to say "I’m finally done

Being the one who will always run run run

Away"?

Into your delusions 

Head contusions

Clouding reality 

Can never see clearly

Holding nothing dearly 

Barely yourself fear keeps

Creeping in

Stealing every ounce of joy

Still a little wounded boy

Abandoned playing with your toy

Staying quiet don’t want to annoy your own wack-ass

dad

Welcome Back!

The blog is back. It's almost the end of 2022 and I'm tired of being the quiet gal in the corner. To hell with everyone's feelings and praise GOD. Forgive me lord for using the word "hell" in the same breath. Just wanted to clear the air. A lot has happened since the last time I was here. This really is my safe space, albeit a rather public-like smack dab-right-on-the-internet type of safe. What do I have to lose? Who's gonna cancel me? Don't nobody know me!

Yet :)

What is Love, Really?

What is love? Fixation? Focus? Fondness? Feelings? A bunch of feelings that intertwine and oscillate? 

People say "love is a verb" which, I mean yea it is, but does love mean tolerating behaviors that you wouldn't exhibit nor agree with? I suppose for a parent, that is very well the case. Most parents love their children unconditionally. In romantic relationships....not so much. The divorce rates are sky-high, but does that mean those two people didn't really love each other? Should you even marry for love? Love is quite dangerous if I do say so myself. It makes you do crazy things...or can you even call the part that makes you do crazy things "love". Don't go blaming your complete lack of self-control on such a fickle thing. Nobody told you to key Tayzon's car or slap the fire out of your baby mama....harsh but very real. I feel like when some people say they "love" you it simply means they appreciate you for helping them maintain an illusion. They appreciate how in control being with you makes them feel. They appreciate what you add to their life which is simply validation. Instead of saying "I love you" just say I feel validated with you. That's what it's giving to me. 

Interestingly enough, people LOVE to quote the famous biblical scripture from 1 Corinthians 13: "Love is patient, love is kind, etc" BUT that is the NIV version. In the KJV "love" is "charity" and reads:

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

Something to think about, yes?

I feel like I don't know how to be a proper human being. Being alone is unhealthy.

More of These Things

I think bout killing myself almost everyday, because I don't really know what else to do sometimes. Its like a small bit of rage. I just give up. Of course, I've only thought about it. I doubt I'd ever actually try. I love myself just enough to keep living. I love other people just enough to keep living for them. But I'm just living. I do nothing more. Nothing less. I'm tired of doing the bare minimum, but how can I live here? I'm not free to live the way I want. how much is it going to cost me to do that? Everything cost something. I don't want to labor all of my life for pieces of metal and paper only to exchange them for more worldly things. Things I don't really need. They all look so nice. They give you this instant gratification, like "yes! I have this new thing. It looks so nice!" but then, after a while, it fails to fill you with excitement. it's just another something you have to keep up with. Such drugs.They won't last. I won't last. We destroy to build things that won't last. 

We are so selfish. 

I'm confused at the best way to be a human being. 

Where's that balance? 

What is free? This isn't free? Does it feel free to you? We live in boxes when there is this beautiful world. Let me sleep under the moon and stars. The only thing is the bugs. They bite...and the weather changes...oh yeah, caves. What is really meaningful? What really matters? We have evolved our tools...but our minds seem a bit weak. We are dependent on these things now. We should depend on each other. I'd love to hear the opinions of the forest. What am I? Why am I? Extremely Dangerous.

Extremely dangerous to everything else.

Patience

Keeping up with myself is hard.

I've realized that I need to make more of an effort to live my life the way I want, to have the kinds of experiences I want to have. Getting to that point means that I'll have to do quite a few things that I really don't want to do, but it will all be worth it in the end right? That's what everyone says. "Good things come to those who wait"-is it really true? I'm impatient. that's why I have trouble enjoying the moment sometimes. the moments I don't enjoy are the moments when I'm doing something I don't want to do, wishing I was doing something I did. life is extremely difficult when you're always caught up in your feelings, you're always hung up on the future, the day when you can finally be free of everything you feel is oppressing you. I'm a part of my own problem. How can I focus on the good? How can I make that second nature? Why am I so damn miserable in the first place? Who the hell hurt me? I'm 23 and I'm learning about life the hard way, and today I learned that patience is indeed a virtue, one that I'm lacking.

*Deep sigh*

-back to the drawing board

Things Worried

I hate it when I'm unable to express my thoughts clearly and concisely. I really struggle with it.
A list of things I'm currently thinking/worrying about:

My Sanity
Sometimes I get into really horrible moods. I don't want to talk to anyone and I become very irritable and mean and begin to doubt myself. I spend way too much time lying in bed thinking. I sometimes ask myself if I could be depressed or bipolar, but I quickly dismiss the possibility. Artistic angst, perhaps. from a life unfulfilled. 

My Career or Lack Of
I went to college with no concrete idea of what I wanted to do. I found something that I thought I would be very interested in pursuing a career in, but I wasn't certain. So, I jumped from major to major to major to major and finally just settled for one, extremely miserable, unenthusiastic and still very unsure, but it was something I thought I would be good at and something I believed I could make a comfortable living off of doing. I had one year left. One miserable year, and I feel like I just kind of gave up. I let my grades fall, and got suspended. I was forced to sit out a semester, but I didn't really plan on going back. I didn't want to. I could have finished. I often tell myself that if I would have just pushed myself harder, I would have had my bachelor's either this December or May 2015. I just keep remembering how miserable I was. I was a so lifeless, trudging through reality. Every adult around me (really my father and random distant relatives, neither have the slightest idea of who I truly am) seems to keep forcing the idea of finishing on me like it's something I need to do (really it's only something they want), like it will automatically afford me a better/easier life. I just feel like it was a waste of money.
I'm a dreamer and I seem to be the only one in my family with balls enough to want to pursue their own. I think mine is acting. It's been the one thing that has always been in the back of my mind since childhood. I want to find a way to make a living out of doing that.That's one thing that I know would make me happy. A lot of my family members aren't too hung up on pursuing happiness, just making a living, surviving. I don't want to just survive. I don't want to just make a living. I want to be happy making a living, and I want to be able to choose how I live my life, and I want to change the world.

My Social Life or Lack Of
I think I'm a bit socially awkward. I don't really go out, because I don't want to go out alone. I might roam aimlessly around the mall on the weekends, and I go see movies alone all the time. I'd sometimes rather do things with other people, but they have to be the right people. Vibes are important. Finding the right vibes takes time. I don't even think I give myself a chance to make friends. Maybe I don't give people a chance to know me, but honestly I feel like no one really and truly understands me or no one would. I have good friends, but now they are far away, doing their own things. A lot of times I'd really rather be alone, and this conflicts with the part of me that wants to be social. I've isolated myself since high school. I had "friends", but I was rarely seen out and it got worse when I went to college. I mean, I tried to make friends in college, but everyone seemed so superficial. I wasn't concerned with the things they were concerned about. Maybe I'm the weird one, who knows. I guess I feel that at my age, I should know a sea of people and be hanging out all the time and doing cool stuff. I should be a social butterfly, and I suppose I could if I really wanted to, but strong bonds are important to me and I doubt I could have very strong bonds with a sea of people or maybe I could. I doubt it, but the great things is that I do have friends, friends that I am very thankful for. They are really awesome human beings too. Maybe I'm being greedy. I suppose you don't need many if you have a few who are truly wonderful.

My Independence or Lack Of

I dreaded having to move back in with either of my parents when I got suspended. I never thought I would have to. I said I would never; Never say never. As cliche as that sounds, it's quite often true. So I'm struggling to find my independence.  I want to be self sufficient. Really and truly. Now I feel like I'm under a microscope. Every move I make seems to be judged in some way. I don't feel free. I have to follow someone else's rules. Answer to someone else. Rely on someone else. Someone whom I barely have a relationship with.  I spend most of my time in "my" room. It's not mine. It's my stepsister's old room. She grew up in this house, not me. This is never going to feel like my home. I just try to make a comfortable living space in it until I can find something else. It just really feels like I'm having to start over. Hopefully I can build something strong this time.

My Insecurities (oh, man)

...to be continued