A list of things I'm currently thinking/worrying about:
My Sanity
Sometimes I get into really horrible moods. I don't want to talk to anyone and I become very irritable and mean and begin to doubt myself. I spend way too much time lying in bed thinking. I sometimes ask myself if I could be depressed or bipolar, but I quickly dismiss the possibility. Artistic angst, perhaps. from a life unfulfilled.
My Career or Lack Of
I went to college with no concrete idea of what I wanted to do. I found something that I thought I would be very interested in pursuing a career in, but I wasn't certain. So, I jumped from major to major to major to major and finally just settled for one, extremely miserable, unenthusiastic and still very unsure, but it was something I thought I would be good at and something I believed I could make a comfortable living off of doing. I had one year left. One miserable year, and I feel like I just kind of gave up. I let my grades fall, and got suspended. I was forced to sit out a semester, but I didn't really plan on going back. I didn't want to. I could have finished. I often tell myself that if I would have just pushed myself harder, I would have had my bachelor's either this December or May 2015. I just keep remembering how miserable I was. I was a so lifeless, trudging through reality. Every adult around me (really my father and random distant relatives, neither have the slightest idea of who I truly am) seems to keep forcing the idea of finishing on me like it's something I need to do (really it's only something they want), like it will automatically afford me a better/easier life. I just feel like it was a waste of money.
I'm a dreamer and I seem to be the only one in my family with balls enough to want to pursue their own. I think mine is acting. It's been the one thing that has always been in the back of my mind since childhood. I want to find a way to make a living out of doing that.That's one thing that I know would make me happy. A lot of my family members aren't too hung up on pursuing happiness, just making a living, surviving. I don't want to just survive. I don't want to just make a living. I want to be happy making a living, and I want to be able to choose how I live my life, and I want to change the world.
My Social Life or Lack Of
I think I'm a bit socially awkward. I don't really go out, because I don't want to go out alone. I might roam aimlessly around the mall on the weekends, and I go see movies alone all the time. I'd sometimes rather do things with other people, but they have to be the right people. Vibes are important. Finding the right vibes takes time. I don't even think I give myself a chance to make friends. Maybe I don't give people a chance to know me, but honestly I feel like no one really and truly understands me or no one would. I have good friends, but now they are far away, doing their own things. A lot of times I'd really rather be alone, and this conflicts with the part of me that wants to be social. I've isolated myself since high school. I had "friends", but I was rarely seen out and it got worse when I went to college. I mean, I tried to make friends in college, but everyone seemed so superficial. I wasn't concerned with the things they were concerned about. Maybe I'm the weird one, who knows. I guess I feel that at my age, I should know a sea of people and be hanging out all the time and doing cool stuff. I should be a social butterfly, and I suppose I could if I really wanted to, but strong bonds are important to me and I doubt I could have very strong bonds with a sea of people or maybe I could. I doubt it, but the great things is that I do have friends, friends that I am very thankful for. They are really awesome human beings too. Maybe I'm being greedy. I suppose you don't need many if you have a few who are truly wonderful.
My Independence or Lack Of
My Insecurities (oh, man)
I went to college with no concrete idea of what I wanted to do. I found something that I thought I would be very interested in pursuing a career in, but I wasn't certain. So, I jumped from major to major to major to major and finally just settled for one, extremely miserable, unenthusiastic and still very unsure, but it was something I thought I would be good at and something I believed I could make a comfortable living off of doing. I had one year left. One miserable year, and I feel like I just kind of gave up. I let my grades fall, and got suspended. I was forced to sit out a semester, but I didn't really plan on going back. I didn't want to. I could have finished. I often tell myself that if I would have just pushed myself harder, I would have had my bachelor's either this December or May 2015. I just keep remembering how miserable I was. I was a so lifeless, trudging through reality. Every adult around me (really my father and random distant relatives, neither have the slightest idea of who I truly am) seems to keep forcing the idea of finishing on me like it's something I need to do (really it's only something they want), like it will automatically afford me a better/easier life. I just feel like it was a waste of money.
I'm a dreamer and I seem to be the only one in my family with balls enough to want to pursue their own. I think mine is acting. It's been the one thing that has always been in the back of my mind since childhood. I want to find a way to make a living out of doing that.That's one thing that I know would make me happy. A lot of my family members aren't too hung up on pursuing happiness, just making a living, surviving. I don't want to just survive. I don't want to just make a living. I want to be happy making a living, and I want to be able to choose how I live my life, and I want to change the world.
My Social Life or Lack Of
I think I'm a bit socially awkward. I don't really go out, because I don't want to go out alone. I might roam aimlessly around the mall on the weekends, and I go see movies alone all the time. I'd sometimes rather do things with other people, but they have to be the right people. Vibes are important. Finding the right vibes takes time. I don't even think I give myself a chance to make friends. Maybe I don't give people a chance to know me, but honestly I feel like no one really and truly understands me or no one would. I have good friends, but now they are far away, doing their own things. A lot of times I'd really rather be alone, and this conflicts with the part of me that wants to be social. I've isolated myself since high school. I had "friends", but I was rarely seen out and it got worse when I went to college. I mean, I tried to make friends in college, but everyone seemed so superficial. I wasn't concerned with the things they were concerned about. Maybe I'm the weird one, who knows. I guess I feel that at my age, I should know a sea of people and be hanging out all the time and doing cool stuff. I should be a social butterfly, and I suppose I could if I really wanted to, but strong bonds are important to me and I doubt I could have very strong bonds with a sea of people or maybe I could. I doubt it, but the great things is that I do have friends, friends that I am very thankful for. They are really awesome human beings too. Maybe I'm being greedy. I suppose you don't need many if you have a few who are truly wonderful.
My Independence or Lack Of
I dreaded having to move back in with either of my parents when I got suspended. I never thought I would have to. I said I would never; Never say never. As cliche as that sounds, it's quite often true. So I'm struggling to find my independence. I want to be self sufficient. Really and truly. Now I feel like I'm under a microscope. Every move I make seems to be judged in some way. I don't feel free. I have to follow someone else's rules. Answer to someone else. Rely on someone else. Someone whom I barely have a relationship with. I spend most of my time in "my" room. It's not mine. It's my stepsister's old room. She grew up in this house, not me. This is never going to feel like my home. I just try to make a comfortable living space in it until I can find something else. It just really feels like I'm having to start over. Hopefully I can build something strong this time.
My Insecurities (oh, man)
...to be continued
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